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Monday, 01 December 2008

  • How young is you to young to have erectile dysfunction?

    I just have a quick question I wanted to ask my xanga family...

    Do you get the paternity test before or after you tattoo "your" new son or daughters name on your chest?

    What makes a man loose his erection?

    How young is to young to have erectile dysfuction?

    And if your boo cant get it up should you feel ashames?

    A bunch of recent events in my life have lead to the road of questions and maybe you guys can help me answer them because I am all tapped out. My head hurts and my mind boggles me now. And being that im not a man nor do I have a penis I cant even begin to understand all the things that go on with a man and his penis. Can anyone out there put an end to my cloud of confusion? No answer will hurt my feelings its not my penis that wont get up. I have no problem staying aroused. So please feel free to chime in. Thanks

Monday, 24 November 2008

  • Can I be four again...

    Let me give everyone a brief rundown of why I wanna be four again

    For starters my hardest decision at four was what kind of barrette or bow I was gonna put in my hair. Back then it was hard to choose between the multicolored ballon bow or a bow with a flower. If I knew then what I know now I would have just rocked the ballon bow cause it was killing them females back in kindergarten. Plus my favorite part about being four was the nap time right after story time that was right after lunch. I mean it cant get much better than that I eat you read me a story then I get to sleep for 30 minutes and wake up and chill on some arts and crafts. And is it just me or was dating in kindergarten so much easier. You tell a boy you like him by pushing in the sandbox and if he liked you back he put a booger on your face and then you guys were together for like every. Or maybe two days until you realized dating boys was yucky. Nowadays when I wake up I dont wanna make the simplest decisions like to brush or not to brush. Ankle socks or tube. Thong or Granny Panty. I miss my mom and dad making every decision for me down to the afterschool snack. I say we protest at work for afternoon naps and afterwork snacks that can be sold in front of the building for 50cents or less and once every six weeks we can have a sock hop that everyone will pay 50 cents to get into and raise money for some charity... Just think about it

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

  • Deep Rage

    So I know I have an anger problem(that i think is more of an people irritate me problem) that i need to to deal with. But someone brought it to my attention recently that it might not be anger but rage. And that the rage can stem from past hurts, and upon hearing that i said yep i can agree with that. When some people get anger they say all they can see is red. But when i get angry depending on who made me angry (irritated) a switch flips and until im tired of being pissed there is nothing no one can do or say to calm me down. And while the switch is flipped i play out scenes in my head that range from me busting windows out of cars to me shooting at objects, or flipping large expensive things over onto the person that just made me mad. Now I have never acted on any of these impulse feelings and the last time I got into a fight I was still way to young to drink. I dont know how to control that switch or what even triggers in my head to switch it on. I just have to take a time out and calm myself down and then eventually im no longer thinking about it but trust me i havent forgotten about it. And the next time that person pisses me off it all comes rushing back to me. I know I need help its sad and before today I would have lied and told you I had it undercontrol.  But ive gotten to the point in my life where i dont want to be that unexpected bomb that just blows up with no notice. I know that i have come a long way with my anger issues but i have a even harder road to travel now. Now that im older i spew vicious venom in the form of words my sarcasm has become a double edged sword and i know that if im not hurting my loved ones im defintely pushing them away from me. So hears my plee to anyone out there reading can u help me help myself. I know i have to develop positive coping skills on my own but your suggestions would be lovely. 

    So on to the goodies my cousin challenged me to write a poem and i was supposed to post it yesterday but never got around to it. The theme is Solitary Confinement and after that poem will be another that i just had the energy to finish tonight....

    "Solitary Confinemnet"

    Ha Ha Im running from you.

    Aaaaaaah! Damn you caught me again. Everytime I wriggle free from your grasp you send a nice polite little slap that reminds my ass

    Reminds me I'm not destined to be free

    Im meant to be kept trapped, on lockdown you even threw away the key

    No matter what I do I cant escape you

    You and your never ending cycles of contemplations and segregations and lets not forget you rule of no recreation unless its masturbation you like that because it keeps us away from pro creation.

    You think you so damn smart keeping me constantly occupied so that I have no time to realize that Im all alone sitting hear listening to my own breath moans 

    And just when I remember the situation that Im in and start to long to know what an outside touch feels like on my own skin YOU remind ME that its ME that got me into the current state to begin with and that only WE can escape

    But fuck you I say as I plan my escape and right in the middle of my master plan you zap my ass and remind me again that I'll never be free not as long as you exist

    And since we both know there can be no me without you I guess Im stuck her in this lonely solitude

    Sentenced to life with no parole spending each day watching the amount of insanity toll

    I'll serve out my time sitting right here trapped inside my on mind; Because all though a mind is a terrible thing to waste

    Its also the one place you cant escape

     

    "Death Wish"

    Your the fire that I keep reaching out to touch

    The knife that I use to slit my wrist

    The bullet in the gun I use for my game of Russian Roulette

    You alone have the power to make me bungee jump with no cord

    Sky dive with no parachute

    Live my life with wreckless abandon

    Do everything that would make me be no more

    But its also that same crazy enegry you have over me that gravitational pull you have that sucks me in and makes my world about you and makes me live by your law that

    makes me put out fires, and hide the knives,favor gun control, scared of heights and i even devoloped and allergy to water

    Because you make me scared to live and breath and my biggest fear of all is knowing what its like to truly be free.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

  • Trying to find my place

    Yeah so my cousin just told me I was strange because I told her that its so hard for me to find the words to express myself when i really want to but in just every day conversation i can put together the most random statements that mean so much. Why is it hard for me to find those words that I need to say those things that are burning inside of me to be said. But that was just a random thought for the day. I went to a poetry jam session tonight at my moms but its not just poetry we hit you with all sides of creativity art for your eyes, ears, heart, and soul. And all of that creative juice flowing through the loft tonight made me question where is my creative niche. I mean my mom and brother are great visual artist, my cousin has a word with poems and the bitch can sang to, my other cousin can take a photo that will have u thinking that shit should be in a museum. I hear people speak and then read peoples books and all I can think is where do i fit whats my thing. I started out singing that lasted til i got in high school. I can hold a note but im not great. I played the piano I was good but not great. I played the trombone but again good not great. I can dance not even good its just fun. I started taking black and white photos and i loved it but i dont think its my way to the world. I write poems, short stories, and just random thoughts that flow out of my mind. I ultimately wanna end up on Oprah with my award winning book about the black female teenage struggle but still is that really where my place is. I know or at least I think I have a way with words. But are they comical or can they be serious. I wanna find my creative spot and its burning me up because i cant find it and I know im creative i just dont know where to begin or end. I feel like a floating gypsy woman who has many tricks of the trade. I guess i keep playing the old saying jack of all trades master at none in my head. I wanna be the master Sho Nuff. I love my writing but maybe im asking to much to want the world to love it too. I just have this big fear that Im gonna write this great manifesto of my life and put it out there to the world and then everyone is gonna respond like riley off the boondocks when cairo friend reads his poem revolution and he calls him ericka badewey and say boooo real loud and long. So all that has been said to say how do i find my place and not just my place in someone elses shadow trying to be a swagger jacker like some of these other people on the xanga. Yeah Im talking to you. But not you ne ne... So against my better judgement Im gonna post something I wrote to read to some other people but never got to read it....

    My Eyes

    Everyone always tells me Girl you look just like yo daddy

    But I have my mother's eyes I say

    Those same eyes that hold the weight of the world in them

    The same eyes that hide the years of pain and suffering behind brown stained glass

    With those same lashes that each have their own story to tell.

    The lines that fall, trace, curve and dig into the skin that surrounds those imperfect almond shapes on my face

    The soft brown curtains that open up to show a light so bright that it cant compare to the sun

    Those same eyes that can get darker than the night sky when their master has been led astray   

    My eyes hold back a dam of tears that have pooling and floating around for years                         

    But no matter how strong the pressure from the river within i'll never let the dam break .

    Thats why when you look into my eyes you see strength, perserverance, and self confidence because

    theres a secret that lies behind them that I promise you its been hard to keep.

    Its a secret that its taken over a hundred years to sow and reap

    So when you look into my eyes dont just see the resilience, or the amazing growth, dont see but explore because behind my eyes theres a mystery, a history of four women whos lives intertwine all the way in the back of my iris and shine on through my dark pupils.    

    And although I might look like my daddy its my eyes that are the keys to my soul....

    So I dare you to look into my eyes

    "Quiet Storm"                                         

Thursday, 13 November 2008

  • Damaged Goods

    I just needed to rant for a minute and since I currently have no one to rant to I figured why not rant to you guys. I've been thinkin alot lately about why people say Im so closed off. I know they say it because its the truth but is it really that horrible to have a guard up. Yeah so I know my guard is like barb wire fences with attack dogs and a brick wall followed by an army of porcupines and thats just the outter guard. But if people really knew what was on the inside the things that I try so hard to keep locked up. I think they would suggest that I add some more reinforcements to my guard. There are thoughts hurts pains trauamas and to much drama for yo mama on the inside of me that I know Im damaged goods. Im like that can you pick up in the store and get all the way to the cash register only to realize that theres a big gigantic dent in the back of the can then u have to make the decision to take it all the way back and get a new can or take it home and use it for what it is. Sometimes I feel like a walking dented can everytime I make a friend its last a while and then sooner or later we get to that fork in the road where I'm changing or their changing or i dont agree with them or they realize that the persons they've been friends with all this time really wasnt just having a bad day but that fucked up attitude and rude disspostion and not so nice sarcasm is my everyday attire. I'm waiting on the bottom to drop out all the time. I can count on three fingers the friends I have that have stuck with me throught the crazy out burst down right mean ass comments and my just general happy one minute sad as hell the next demeanor.... So yeah maybe I am guarded but I'd rather have the fuck you stamp across my forhead first so maybe people would think twice before they step to me and then maybe when i tell them fuck you they would be so suprised. I mean Im not always rude and mean im generally a sweet caring give u my last person but sometimes a switch on the inside of me flips and all the damage on the inside starts swirling around and all i can see is hurt. my anger is strictly motivated by hurt that i havent dealt with and im not completly sure if i wanna deal with it. I know Im not the only person walking around with baggage but my bags are heavy and big and well hidden most of the time until someone bumps into something that triggers a memory from my past then they come flying out of hiding faster than u can say a.  So maybe to end this all the question I have is how damaged is tooooo damaged and am i wrong for expecting to people to deal with a certain amount of damage when i put up with a hella of alot of damage from everyone. Im a shoulder always with tears on it and when I wanna cry I have to keep it on the inside or now share it with strangers. So you know what scratch both of those questions I know the people that love me deal with me and all the fakers out there will never know the real me because to them Im just a big dented can in hiding but the ones that know me and love me and want to keep getting to know me and accept me for who I am know that Im just a little dent in a really big can.... You can get with this or u can get with that.

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R_Pieces

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    • Name: Quiet
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/10/2004

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About Me

  • Whats good everyone just a young college student trying to share my thoughts and view points with the world. If you wanna know me all you have to do is ask. I have dreams and aspirations that are to big for my mind to hold so i figured I share some of my thoughts with you to make room for the dreaming.

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